


Past Present

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-06-02
Updated: 1999-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-10 22:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived atDue South Archive. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onDue South Archive collection profile.





	Past Present

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Revelations #1: Past Present

# Revelation #1: Past Present

This is the first part of a trilogy,  
loosely entitled 'Revelations' detailing the first time that Fraser and  
Ray get together. I know I have written a few pieces where they are already  
together, and have put them in various depressing situations. So, writing  
a 'first time' seems a little redundant at this point, besides being  
confusing. However, I was recently told by Audrey that there was a strange,  
fragmented timeline lurking in there, somewhere, and that what was lacking  
was a 'first time' story. So, I thought about it, and came up with various  
tales. They all stand on their own, and should really be taken as such.  
They were not meant to end up a trilogy, but they fitted in a fragmented  
sort of way, and so, that's what they ended up as.

Disclaimer: Fraser, Ray, Dief and all other familiar people are all property of Alliance and Due South. Gary McKneally and any other unfamiliar characters belong to me. All errors are my own, and there is no copyright infringement intended. 

Trilogy Disclaimer: There is no continuity in the stories. Only the theme continues. 

**[How come every story I write nowadays all come with a warning?!] Warning: Sappy, with m/m content. I was told, by a very unlikely but very reliable source, that it's kleenex-inducing, so, maybe it's fair to give you advance warning. Should it not prove to be so, I shall be very relieved indeed! :-)**

So, here we have the first part of the 'Revelations' trilogy. The 2nd and 3rd installments will follow in due course. This trilogy is especially for Audrey. Tell me what you think at 

# Revelation #1: Past Present

by Hsu-Lyn Yap 

"Stop that, Dief! It's rude." Fraser admonished his pet wolf who was barking threateningly at the door. "Besides, I can't imagine what you can be barking at. You never bark at Ray, and he's here often enough!" Fraser strode to the door, "I must have forgotten, and locked the door again." 

"Hello, Ben." 

"Gary?" It was rare indeed to see Fraser dumbfounded. "Gary McKneally?! Great Scott! What are you doing in Chicago?!" 

The fair-haired man smiled. "What else does one do in Chicago, Ben?" He laughed. "I'm on holiday. I thought I'd come down and see a bit of our neighbours. And while I was in Chicago, I thought I might drop by to see you." 

"Well, I ...come in, please. I just never expected to see you!" Fraser remembered his manners a little belatedly. "Shut it, Dief!" He hissed at the animal, who promptly 'shut it' and retired to a corner of the room to sulk. 

"That's a fine animal you have there, Ben. Part husky, part wolf, unless I'm mistaken." 

"You always were observant about these things, Gary. Why else did I have to stay on my toes when it came to tracking exercises?" Fraser smiled. "Coffee?" 

"Please." The other man sat himself down at the kitchen table. "Well, Ben. You were always a natural. Came from living in the wild north, I always thought. No one at the academy could come even close to the stuff you did." 

"Well, you did!" 

"I got lucky!" Gary laughed. "Hey! You were a very effective teacher!" 

"And you were a very attentive pupil!" Fraser handed him a mug of coffee. 

"I guess I was, wasn't I?" Gary's blue-grey eyes smiled at him over the rim of his coffee mug. The look was lost on Fraser who bent to pick up a sheet of paper from the floor. 

"I'm sorry. Was I disturbing you with your work?" Gary asked, looking at the papers spread out over the table top. 

"Oh no." Fraser was quick to deny. "It's just some documents I have to go through for Friday. I was just sorting them out." 

"You are still as fastidious as I remember." Gary laughed again, as he noted the neat piles of paper. "What were you doing? Categorizing them according to font type?!" he teased. 

Fraser gave an embarrassed laugh. "No, I was putting them in alphabetical order." 

"Just like the way you kept your books at the Academy." Gary reminded him. "I could never understand why you had to do that." 

"I guess I'm just a stickler for order." 

"I can tell." Gary looked around the bare apartment. "Not intending to stay here long, are you?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Your apartment. I don't mean to be nosy, but it does look very bare. If you had been planning to stay on longer, you would have put up a few pictures, hung up curtains, maybe even put down a carpet or something?" He tapped the bare floor-boards with his foot. 

"Well, I don't know how long I'll be stationed in Chicago. I came with one bag. I don't intend to leave with much else." 

"Ever miss Canada, Ben?" 

Fraser sighed. "Sometimes. It is home after all." 

"Ever visit?" 

"Once or twice. I went back last winter to check on my father's cabin to see if I could repair it. It was a mess. I think I'll have to knock it down 

and rebuild it from scratch." 

"Thinking of retiring up in the Territories? I don't think it'll be conducive for the old bones!" Gary laughed. "No, seriously. Next time you come back, give me a ring. It'll be good to get together some time. I haven't seen you in....what has it been? 7 years?" 

"7 and a half to be precise." Fraser grinned. "And yes, that is a good idea. How's things with you in Regina? Any better training new Mounties?" 

"Better than running around in sub-zero temperatures! I could never stick it out in the North. Say, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. He was a legend." 

"That's what they all say." Fraser's smile was a little sad. "At least Gerard is behind bars now. I don't know how that makes me feel, though. Revenge is not all it's cut out to be." 

"That really came as a shock you know. I mean, everyone knew that Gerard was your Dad's good friend. And then this news broke. I can tell you, there were discussions about this for weeks at the Academy! They have put Robert Fraser in the textbooks now, you know." 

"No!" Fraser was horrified. 

"Yes!" Gary laughed. "No, not his unorthodox ways of solving crimes. Just the general 'How to be the perfect Mountie' guidelines. Loyal, honest, upright, tenacious...all the things you have inherited from him." 

Fraser simply smiled. "You weren't all that bad yourself, Gary." 

"I guess not. Not until I let those otters into Sgt. Baker's room!" 

"I never understood how you managed to have the courage to do that!" Fraser told him after their laughter had subsided. "And the miraculous thing is that you were not thrown out of the Academy for it!" 

"I know! I think someone up there wants me to be a Mountie." Gary grinned. "Hey! You aren't doing too badly for yourself down here. They thought you might be less trouble down south. Guess they were mistaken, huh?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Hey, Ben. We get the news too, all right? We know what you get up to in Chicago. What is this about saving the city from nuclear meltdown? And bombs and running around cleaning up Chicago's streets? Canada too perfect for you?" He teased. 

"I don't do it intentionally, Gary. Maybe you might like to trickle that back? It's just that Ray goes out on all these cases, and I...." 

"Ray?" The blue-grey eyes were hooded immediately, although the curiousity shone through. 

"My friend here in Chicago. He's a policeman with the local precinct office. He should be dropping by soon. It'll be nice if you could meet him." 

"I'm sure it would." 

"I have to warn you, though. He isn't like the people you are used to." Fraser said carefully. "I mean, he can be a little excitable and loud, sometimes. But that's just the way he is. Don't get too surprised." 

"I'll try not to be." Gary gave a half-smile. "So, what about the girlfriend?" 

"Girlfriend?" 

"Yeah. Anyone in your life I should know about? Come on, what are buddies for?" Gary winked at him. 

Fraser coloured unintentionally. "There's no one, Gary. I mean. I'm not seeing anyone." 

"Then why are you turning red?" 

"I'm sorry. I have absolutely no control over it. You know how I am when it comes to personal questions." Fraser fought hard to bring his colour back to normal. 

"All too well." Gary grinned knowingly. "Okay, sorry I asked. I just thought that that lipstick on your bedside table might...." 

Fraser coloured even further. That was Francesca's lipstick! She had left it there the last time she had been in Fraser's apartment, after that episode with Carver. He had been meaning to return it to her ever since . 

"Very observant of you, Gary." He gave a little laugh. "No, there is no girlfriend. It belongs to Ray's sister. She was here, and...." 

"Left her lipstick behind? I wonder why?" Gary teased. 

"Gary!" Fraser warned, but could not help laughing. 

"Okay, okay. Sorry. You are so easy to tease, Ben. Not seeing anyone then?" 

"No. What about you?" 

"Not really. A couple of on -off relationships. Nothing serious. I got engaged once. Didn't pan out. Guess there were other bigger fish in the sea." He sounded bitter. 

"Don't belittle yourself, Gary. You'll find someone." Fraser tried to reassure. 

"I guess so. Trouble is that I think I have." 

"Really? That's good." 

"Not exactly. There a quite a few complications involved." He sighed. 

Fraser's interest and curiousity were piqued but he refrained from asking anymore questions when no more information was forthcoming. He knew how awkward it was to answer personal questions and he did not want to submit his friend to that. 

"Hey Benny!" The apartment door was slammed open, and Dief jumped up to give Ray an enthusiastic welcome. 

"Whoa there! Down boy!" Ray lifted a foil-covered tray cleanly out of the reach of the wolf's playful jumps. "And you can kindly take your paws *off* my suit, Dief! Geez! One would think that you've never been fed! It's only lasagna!!" 

"Benny, Ma sent...oh, sorry." Ray stopped, catching sight of the other man 

in the room. 

"Ray!" Fraser grinned. "We were just talking about you. I'd like you to meet my friend, Gary. We were at the Academy together." 

"Hello, Ray." Gary sounded a little guarded as he shook Ray's outstretched hand. 

"Hey! Good to meet you, Gary. I was starting to think that Benny didn't have a past! So, you're old school-mates, huh?" Ray grinned at him warmly, as he returned the handshake. 

"Well, as Ben says, we were at the Academy together." 

"He ever made you eat grubs?" 

"Ray!" Fraser protested. 

Gary laughed involuntarily. "Yes, once. We were in the woods, and had no food and water. He claims that they are nutritious." 

"Same thing he told me. You ate them?" 

"Yes, I did. Not without much complaining." Gary admitted. 

"You, my friend, must have been a very *very* good friend. Or a very *very* desperate one!" Ray patted his shoulder in mock seriousness. 

Gary laughed. Fraser was right. Ray was different from the people he was used to being around with. He was a little excitable and loud, but it was difficult to dislike him, no matter how he tried. 

"Are you here in Chicago long?" Ray asked of Gary. 

"Only till tomorrow. I leave for Regina tomorrow." 

"So, you aren't on parole like Benny here?" Ray flashed Fraser a teasing grin. 

"Ray!" Fraser protested again. 

"No, I'm teaching at the Mounted Police Training Academy in Regina. I couldn't handle the cold in the Territories." 

"Was that in Tuktoyaktuk or Runamukluk?" Ray grinned again. 

"Well, actually, it was in Inuvik, I think." Gary said thoughtfully. "And besides, Runamukluk is 2000 kilometers from Tuktoyaktuk. In the wrong direction." 

Ray laughed. "You must have been hanging around Benny for longer than I thought! Hung out a lot together?" 

"We *were* best friends, Ray." Fraser cut in. 

"Ooh! That's a scary thought." Ray gave a mock shiver. "I think I'd better stop hanging out with you, Benny, or I'll start sounding like you too!" 

"I'm sorry. I don't understand." Gary looked a little confused. 

"Sorry, Gary. Private joke." Ray smiled a little apologetically. "Well, Benny. Ma sent her lasagna over. She thinks that he starves otherwise, you see." He added as an aside to Gary. "I guess you guys have a lot of catching up to do, so I'll leave you to it." 

"Why don't you stay, Ray? We might as well have dinner, now that you have brought the lasagna." Fraser suggested. 

Ray flicked a glance at Gary. He was smiling his assent, but the smile never reached the steely blue-grey eyes. Ray's eyebrows rose a fraction of an inch. A vague suspicion entered his mind, and he just as quickly dismissed it. 

"I'd like to, Benny, but...." 

"Why don't you stay, Ray? Maybe you can tell me what Ben has been up to in Chicago. He refuses to talk about his adventures here." Gary spoke up. 

"Are you sure, Gary? I mean, you came all the way...." 

"Yes, I'm sure. Come on, join us." Gary invited. 

Ray shrugged and nodded. He had his reasons for staying of course. 

**************************** 

"He did not!" Ray exclaimed, horrified. 

"Oh yes, he did!" Gary laughed at the look on Ray's face. "Ben could be terrible when he chose to be! And he had a terrible sense of humour!" 

"You exaggerate, Gary!" Fraser tried to protest his innocence. 

"I do not, Ben. You *did* frighten Lucy-Ann with those stories. She wouldn't go near a tree for weeks!" 

"I was just relating a myth, Gary." 

"Yeah, right! Is it a myth when you make it up?" 

"A myth could be made up." 

"You are still trying that on me, aren't you?" Gary turned to Ray. "Does he do that 'what-did-I-do?-what-did-I-say?' thing with you?" 

"All the time." Ray rolled his eyes. "I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one he does it to! I was starting to get paranoid!" 

"But, you are, Ray." 

"Ooh, Benny. That was under the belt! What did I do?" Ray adopted a pained expression. 

"You believed Gary." 

"Over you? Well, I have to get my amusements from *some* source!" Ray grinned cheesily. "Gosh! Look at the time! I promised Frannie I'd pick her up. Sorry I gotta run, guys." He stood up. 

"Nice meeting you, Gary. Maybe we'll meet up again the next time you come down to Chicago." He shook Gary's hand. 

"Maybe we will." Gary's grasp was firm. The cool eyes regarded him for a moment. Then they softened a little. "You are a lucky man, Ray." He said softly, just for Ray's ears. 

Ray frowned a little. What on earth did the man mean? But he did not ask. It was evident that whatever was said was not meant for Benny, who was watching their exchange a little curiously. 

"See ya, Benny." 

"I'll return the tray to you tomorrow, Ray. And please thank your mother. It was delicious." Fraser accompanied him to the door. Ray merely nodded and started on his way down the stairs. 

*************************** 

"Benny?" 

"Ray?" Fraser opened the door in surprise. It was his second for the day. "What are you doing here so late?" 

"Came to collect the tray." Ray brushed past him into the apartment. 

"I told you I'd drop it by your house tomorrow, Ray. You didn't have to come back for it." Fraser sounded a little reproachful. 

"Okay, so I lied." Ray seated himself in a chair. "I wanted to talk to you, Benny." 

"Is it important, Ray?" Fraser looked apprehensive as he sat down opposite his friend. 

"I think it is. Well, if it wasn't, I don't think I'd have bothered coming back!" 

"What's it about, Ray?" The apprehension had given way to curiousity. 

"Have you known Gary long, Benny?" 

"Gary? About 13 years, Ray. It's just that we haven't seen each other for the past 7 and a half years. Is this about Gary?" 

"Part of it." Ray looked uneasy. "Were you guys good friends?" 

"I told you that we were best friends, Ray. Why?" 

Ray was quiet. He ignored Fraser's question. He was on his own agenda and he would not be side-tracked. 

"Have you ever been in love, Benny?" He asked the question out of the blue. 

"I don't understand what...." 

"Just answer the question, Benny. Have you ever been in love?" 

"I thought I had." 

"Is that a 'yes'?" 

"I think so." 

"Is that a 'yes'?!" Ray demanded, testily. 

"Yes, Ray." 

"Good. You are pretty astute about others, Benny. Do you think you'd realize if someone was in love?" This question caught Fraser off-guard again. What on earth was Ray trying to say? 

"I think I might, Ray. I might be able to tell from their demeanor." 

"Right. So, you can tell from their body language, right?" 

"Yes, Ray." 

"So, do you think you might realize if someone was in love with you?" 

Fraser did not answer. He stared at Ray uncomprehendingly. What *was* Ray getting at? 

"Is this a rhetorical question, Ray?" He ventured carefully. 

"No, Benny." 

"Is it about you? Is there some one whom you think might...." 

"No, Benny. I meant it when I asked if *you* would notice if someone was in love with *you*." Ray sighed. "Just answer the question, Benny. Yes or no?" 

Fraser frowned in confusion. What was Ray trying to say? ...Oh no! He wasn't, was he? What if he was? Was that what he was trying to say?! 

"Ray?" 

"Yes, Benny? Do you have an answer for me?" 

"I...Ray, I...you... you aren't..." Fraser began a little incoherently. 

"Pull yourself together, Benny. What are you trying to say?" Ray snapped a little impatiently. 

"Sorry, Ray." Fraser took a deep breath. "What I was trying to say was...." He paused, gathering his thoughts. 

"Ray, you aren't saying that you are in love with me, are you?" He finally managed to get the words out. 

Ray stared. There was nothing else he could do. Amusement, horror and incredulity were reflected in his eyes. It was a while before he could speak. 

"Me?" He squeaked, and then hurriedly cleared his throat. "You mean me?" His voice was steadier now. 

Fraser coloured. "I'm sorry, Ray. It was just that your questions were...they seemed to be...indicative of how you felt." 

"Did my body language make you think that I...?" Ray was determined to find out. 

"I told you, Ray. It was your questions. They seemed to point in this direction, and I... well, I guess I had to ask." Fraser mumbled. 

"Did you think that I was in love with you?" Ray pressed on. 

"No, Ray. There has never been any indication that...." 

"Good! Because I'm not, okay? I mean, we are friends, right? And I love you as a friend, okay? I mean... sheesh!!" Ray was the one who was babbling now. There was a significant pause. 

"I'm sorry, Ray." Fraser finally broke the silence. 

"No, no. I guess it was my fault. I never thought that that line of questioning would lead to this confusion. So, we are understood, right? I'm not in love with you." Ray told him honestly. 

"Then why were you asking me all those questions, Ray?" Fraser looked confused. 

"Gary." 

"What about Gary?" 

"*He's* in love with you." 

"He is *what*?!" Fraser's eyes widened as he stared incredulously at Ray. "Are you joking, Ray? If you are, this is not funny." 

"No, Benny. I'm not kidding." Ray shook his head. "That's why I wanted to know how long you have known each other. Were you close?" 

"About as close as best friends can be." Fraser was still shocked. "Ray, you *are* joking, right?" 

"No, Benny. I'm sorry." 

"But...Gary? He's... he's a Mountie!" Fraser seemed to be talking to himself more than to Ray. 

"What? Mounties can't be gay?" 

"There's no rule against it, not as far as I know, anyway. I just meant that...." Fraser was still stunned. "I mean, he's my best friend. I haven't even seen him for the last 7 years. Are you *sure* you aren't joking, Ray?" 

"Benny, I'm *not* joking, okay? He *is* in love with you. I thought you might have noticed, which is why I didn't try to say anything earlier. But you gave no indication." 

"But you don't know him, Ray. How did you...." 

"Same way you tell with others, Benny. Body language. I guess you didn't 

catch his looks most of the time. I saw. I didn't know if I should tell you, but I thought it was only fair that you should know, seeing as how he is leaving and all that." 

"But, Gary?" 

"Why not Gary?" 

"He's my best friend!" 

"And best friends can't fall in love?" 

"I didn't mean that, Ray. It's just so strange." Fraser still looked confused. "I have never thought of him in that way, and I still can't believe it." 

"Are you saying that it's strange because he's your best friend or because he's a guy?" 

"Well, both, I guess." Fraser admitted grudgingly. "This is news to me. I mean, do you think he might have told me?" 

"I don't know, Benny." Ray sighed. "I think he might have, had I not come by. I think...." He coughed a little embarrasedly. "I think he thought that we were... um ...you know..." 

"That we were...." Fraser was dealt another shock. 

"Yes, Benny. I don't know what gave him that idea." Ray shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

"What gave you the idea that he thought so?" 

"Something he said." Ray told him evasively. "No use asking, Benny. I'm not going to tell you, okay? It's just one of those things. I know that was what he meant." 

"This is very disturbing, Ray. First, this news about Gary, and then, what he thinks about us. He's only just met you, and already he thinks that we are...involved.What do others think?" Fraser muttered to himself. 

"I don't want to know, Benny. I just hope that no one else thinks so!" Ray shuddered at the thought. "I mean, I don't have anything against gay relationships. I just don't see it happening with us, you know." 

"I know, Ray. I understand. We are just friends." 

"Just friends. That's all." Ray agreed. 

"What am I going to do about Gary, Ray?" Fraser asked with a sigh. 

"I don't know." 

"At least it makes sense now." 

"What does?" Ray asked curiously. 

"What he said earlier. We were talking about relationships and he said that he had been in a few and had gotten engaged but it didn't work out. He said that he was in love, but there were complications. I didn't ask what sort of complications. This makes sense." Fraser recounted his earlier conversation. 

"Ray, I don't understand why he should love me. Are you sure about this?" 

"Very sure, Benny. Like I said, you didn't see the looks he was giving you. It was very obvious. To me, anyway." 

"Why me, Ray?" 

"Why not?" 

"I mean, why me? What is it about me?" 

Ray sighed. "Do you want me to think up reasons? I don't even know this guy!" 

"What do you think, Ray?" Fraser pressed him. 

"Okay, let's see. What would anyone see in you? Hmm...." Ray looked at him thoughtfully. "Right, say I was in love with you...hypothetically, of course!" He added quickly. 

"Of course." Fraser agreed. 

"Right. Hypothetically. I guess it'll be your honesty, loyalty, your sick sense of humour... I know he agrees with me there! Um...your sensitivity, naivet...did I say loyalty? Oh yeah, I did, didn't I? Hm... patience, inner strength...do I have to go on?" 

"Is there more?" 

"Well, I have to think about it. It's not like I think about these things, you know!" Ray sighed and contemplated Fraser again. "What else? Geez. Um...you should really ask Frannie to do this, you know. She could draw you up a whole list!" 

"Ray, Francesca is a woman. Gary is a man. I need a man's point of view." Fraser reminded him. 

"Then go find one who's in love with you then! Why ask me?" 

"Ray, you are my best friend here in Chicago. You are the only one I can ask!" 

"What? So, you go around collecting best friends in every city you visit?" Ray said snidely. 

"Ray, you are being irrational here. I just asked you to help me." Fraser tried to placate him. 

"Benny, I've given you a list of things that someone falling in love with you would probably be taken in by. I don't know what else! I mean, *I* think that you are just about the most irritating, infuriating, complex and complicated individual I have ever met in my entire life! So much for asking me!" Ray shot back at him. 

"Ray, we were talking hypothetically. I was...Dief! shush!" Fraser turned to Dief who was barking at the door again. Dief gave him a baleful glare. Well, so much for advance warning! He snorted and padded back to his corner. 

"As I was saying Ray...." Fraser continued. 

Gary stood outside the door, hand poised, ready to knock. He had been standing there ever since Ray had entered the apartment. He had returned to talk to Ben, but had been preceded by Ray. He did not know why, but he had not knocked on the door, neither had he gone away. The door of apartment 3 J was thin, and the conversation leaked out to where he stood. 

Ray had hit the nail on the head. Gary was in love with his best friend. It was a confusing feeling, especially after not seeing him for all those years. He had come down to Chicago, especially to talk to Ben. Maybe he would have told him, maybe he wouldn't have. He had just wanted to see him 

again. Seeing him just reminded him that he did love him. It was not just in his mind after all. All those years at the Training Academy, and then when they were workmates. He knew he had always had an affection for Ben. It even bordered on hero-worship sometimes. It had taken him nearly 10 years to realize it for what it truly was. 

He had had opportunities to tell him today. After Ray had left, he had remained for some time, catching up with an old friend. He had the opportunity to tell him then, but he hadn't. He had not been aware that Ray had seen him looking at Ben. Neither had he been aware that Ray had managed to interpret his looks correctly. But he had not told Ben. 

Why? Because he had seen the look on Ben's face that he had recognized in himself 10 years ago. Ben was in love, and he did not even know it, just as Gary had been oblivious to his own feelings. He only hoped for Ben's sake that he would not take as long to discover it, as he had. He had wasted 10 years. It was too long, for anyone. He would be lying if he said that he did not envy the object of Ben's unrealized love. But if that was what made Ben happy.... 

Ray was indeed a very lucky man. 

The bickering and soul-searching in the apartment continued. Gary smiled a little sadly. Maybe he envied Ben as well. Ray had only known him for 2 years and already he saw in Ben all that Gary saw in him, and more. Being the honest person he was, he was also able to tell him that. Yes, Ben was, besides being patient, honest and loyal, a very irritating, complex individual. Gary could never have told him that. Ray could, and from the tone of it, he did. Often. 

Ben was also different around Ray. He was less formal. Less stilted. More easy-going and more relaxed. He had never seen that side of him before. He had seen Ben joke around, but not in that gentle teasing manner he adopted with Ray. And that smile. That bemused, pleased smile whenever Ray called him Benny. It was so unlike Ben. No one else had ever called him 'Benny'. And he was so tolerant with Ray as well. Not that Ben had ever lost his temper. At least Gary had never seen him do that. It was just that Ben endured Ray's teasing with that little quirk of his mouth that was just so quintessentially Ben, and yet, there was more to it than just that. The easy relationship the two of them shared went beyond that of friendship. It was an understanding. Somewhere, some cosmic connection was made, and they both were the result of it. Despite their obvious differences, they understood each other. Almost wordlessly sometimes. Gary, as an onlooker, found it vaguely disturbing. But that was how it stood. 

Gary heaved a sigh. It would probably be another 7 years or more before he would see Ben again. So much might have happened in between then and now. Maybe if things still had not changed, he might tell Ben about himself, even if Ben already knew. There was a difference between hearing it from someone else, and hearing it from the source. Maybe... 

"I thought you saw, okay? I mean, he was looking at me like he wanted to kill me! I did not want to stay for dinner!" Ray was getting irritated. 

"He was not jealous, Ray. You are imagining things." Ben sounded a little peeved? Wow! That was a difference! 

"I was not, Benny. He was jealous, okay? I don't know what for. Like I said, there's nothing between us! Geez! If you'd give me the name of his hotel, I'll go over and tell him right now! I don't believe that you won't listen to me over this!" 

*Well, Ray. You are right. I was jealous. But you are wrong as well. It was not for what you have, or don't have. But of what you can have and in all probability, will have. That was what I was jealous of and I'm sorry.* 

Gary turned and walked down the stairs. His heart was heavy, but he consoled himself with the thought that he had at least 10 years of memories to draw on. For now, however, Ben's last words rang in his ears. 

"But, Ray, whether or not he was jealous, or whether or not he loves me is a moot point, isn't it? I mean, there is no use if I don't love him. Not in that way!" 

Harsh words indeed, Ben. Harsh words indeed. 

THE END 

Hsu-Lyn Yap 

(c) copyright 1997 

tuktoyaktuk@hotmail.com 


End file.
